Marmotry

You never know when a wild marmot may be driven insane by such maladies as rabies, bluetongue, Haemorrhagic septicaemia, pleuropneumonia, African swine fever, avian influenza, rinderpest , modern day stress etc etc. As members of the marmotry action group we have to be ready with nets, tranquilizer darts, hypnosis, rocks, garbage, shotguns, howitzers, helicopters, mud, curse words and if need be euthanasia.

I’ll spare you the details, but I will say this: I had complicated diverticulitis, where the bacteria subsequently infected the outside of my colon. People would point, stare and children would cry when they saw my swollen ass. Eventually my inflamed diverticulum burst open and incapacitated walkers by. Most people were hit with flying mucoid covered feces and couldn’t wash the stench off with clorox bleach. My infection spread to the lining of my abdominal cavity and that’s when it really started to hurt. I remember I was eating at a burger king when I thought I had to fart, but I had fatal peritonitis of which I eventually recovered. Sometimes my inflamed diverticula can cause narrowing of the bowel, leading to an obstruction. Oh boy, I can’t tell you how much better I feel after I get rid of an inflamed load of stool. Also the affected part of my colon adheres to my bladder and other organs in my pelvic area which causes a fistula, or abnormal communication between my colon and an adjacent organ. We all know how important communication is in a relationship. My organs haven’t spoken to each other since I visited.

If you absolutely have to go I suggest not getting your lips anywhere near:
Basketball goals
Rocks
Hub caps
Dirty socks
Insane people
Dirt
Lime jello
Cheesecake
Sewer drains
Soap
Static cling sheets
Paper cups
Books
Eight track tapes
Monopoly game piece “The Thimble”
Rhino dung
Telephone push button “WXY #9”
Number two pencils
Roses
Moss covered rocks
Smooth rocks
Sharp edged rocks

uncontrolled retching, diarrhea and hepatitis I suggest trying out “Marmot’s dehydrated cow lung boutique”. There’s a children’s menu with such favorites as fried optical nerves with spaghetti sauce and carcinogenic tumor balls.

is the cabbage and peppermint soup, but stay away from the cheap tourist places near the cost. I recommend Buzzy’s Restraint and Tractor Supply, for the true taste of the land.

If you have to go, and I don’t see why you would, go in the dry season, Febuary, June and October. Otherwise you will need oil for your hair.