Charlie B's Bar

I used to bartend here when I lived in Missoula in the early 90s… at that time it was just barely beginning to transition from ultra seedy dank nicotine and stale beer scented crusty old timers and regulars bar to college hang out bar

Sort of like, all the guys at the bar were mid-30s to mid-60s or 70s and had been coming there for years… but out at the tables, well, it was beginning to get a much younger demographic and hell, I was part of that, as I was in college myself…

Lessee, we used to put the beer cans down this tube that stuck out of the floor and down to the basement… it must have been years since he’d had the basement mucked out, because one night, there was this hideous loud noise and empty, crushed beer cans just started shooting out of that tube like an erupting volcano… After the fireworks, I looked down on the floor and there was this little tiny desicated frog on a teeny wooden plank that said “Acapulco” He was strumming a guitar and wearing a little red sombrero…

I snatched it up immediately of course, but also wondered to myself… “how the fuck did THAT end up down there?”

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, the Maggot Fest Rugby tournament was held in Missoula, and presumably still is, and one Monday night, they ALL came in, wild and randy as all get out… screaming, hollering, ordering up loads of liquor… and generally just geting out of hand in the best possible way…

this was back in the days when they still used glass pitchers, and next thing i knew, “bam! crash!” they are throwing empty pitchers up against the walls… full ones too…

it was all in good fun of course, and they tipped me bank, but ya know…”easy there, big fella” i was working alone, too, mind you

needless to say, when i cleaned up after the bar closed… what to my wondering eyes should appear but dozens of empty “hey i brought in my own liquor” bottles

oh, and i guarantee you this is no longer true, but back then, though we did have open container laws, when we kicked people out of the bar, if they had a full drink we always said “do you want a go cup?” and poured their drink into a nice plastic cup for them to take… hey, its none of my nevermind if they want to risk getting arrested on the way home, right?

we also sold liquor out of the bar… so if it was 1.54 am, you didn’t have to worry about getting to the convenience store in time to get beer to take home

the go cups and bar outsales was done in all bars in Missoula at that time, though I doubt this is still the case today

this was also before EMI, et all so fervently watched for their music royalties… so EVERY night that i worked, I played American Pie at midnight.. and everyone looked forward to it and sang right along

one time when i was working, a coupla fellas were having a fight and one guy pulled a gun… i was shaking in my shoes, but I actually talked the guy down and got him to put the gun away… i mean i was standing right in front of the phone, but was afraid to grab it or make any sudden moves at all… talk about dodging a bullet, literally…. to this day i don’t know how i managed it….

we used to have this one regular, THE star of the U of M Grizzlies football team in the 1930s for christ’s sake… he went to fight in WWII and came back a shell-shocked shadow of his former self, barely coherent really

as far as I know, one he got back he spent the rest of his nights on a stool at charlies, and his days in his one room flat above it… me, i spent all night serving him Burgie beer on his tab, then going home and crying about it til i fell asleep one night, the guy could not get up off his stool in time to make it to the restroom and well, what happened wasn’t pretty… poor bastard…. truly heartbreaking… made me question my profession… sort of like selling crack to addicts you know? am i helping or hurting here?

lol well that last bit wasn’t exactly a sales pitch was it? but see that’s the point… charlie b’s is for real… with all the drama, humor AND pathos of a true dive bar… its no wanna be… it’s the real deal

but to end on a lighter note.. there were no blenders at Charlie Bs, we served beer, shots and high balls… someone ordered a fucking blended margarita from me once… i said “one blended margarita coming right up!” i poured out a hefty shot of tequila over some ice, squeezed a couple limes into it, and said “listen pal, we serve hard liquor here for people who want to get drunk in a hurry and we don’t need any fru fru drinking tourists around to give the joint atmosphere…next time order a PROPER drink… this is your one and only warning”

i have not been there since 1999 and i suspect that, while it’s still a very good place, that it now has far too many college students and far too few of those old timers….

i still think its worth a visit though… its on Higgins, just a couple blocks south of where the street ends at the railroad tracks