Kanard

...lately I get to a dead end anywhere I go inside this mind of mine.
I’ve been to places I didn’t know existed, and to places I knew of but hadn’t dared to open the door.
At first it is like a kid in a candy store when I finally do, but then guilt overcomes me.
I’m trapped in the corners of my mind, entangled and absorbed to a degree that is an awake livid nightmare.

...I had opened the door before and taken a quick peak, but lately I’ve dared to take a few steps down, it is filled with cobwebs and secret rooms which I don’t dare explore yet.
I’ve been a few steps down and came back alive…

There was a lonely time in my life when I felt I would never have a friend other than my imaginary friends.
I used to pray for friends and finally got them by the bunches.
I enjoy every moment I spend talking to them, typing to them, or just being near them.
Lately I’ve been wondering if they are real, they are such wonderful people and that makes me think it is all in my imagination, maybe they don’t exist, maybe all this typing is in my head, wouldn’t be the first time I swear I typed something and couldn’t find it later.
I feel the keys under my fingers resisting the push only slightly, I hear the click clack click of each individual letter.
I fear that someday I’ll wake up and this wonderful world won’t be this way.

...more times than I’ve been to the dreams.
I mean most nice dreams turn into nightmares just so I can wake up, because if I keep on dreaming nice dreams I’ll stay sleeping forever.
I dreamed that I had a bunny and it turned into a wild weird animal, it was skinny and it had claws and sharp teeth, it ran all over the place and wouldn’t let me catch it, I wanted to hold it but i scratched me, then it ran to my bed and pooped, I was too tired to get up, my husband picked up a tissue and tossed the things out of the bed…yuck!!!!!

Can change a lot of things, and make an ocean where there used to be dry land.

And now I want to go back!
I had a flash chance to see it when my son won a competition and they flew us there for free (weee!).
We took a tour in a bus and saw only 3 hours worth, I know I could spend weeks there and not get bored, I have to go back sometime, now I want it even more than before!

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed of a cruise, and someone being thrown overboard.
There was a man (40ish dark hair) with a beard and a young woman (long wavy brown hair) on her twenties, she had on a dress and a jacket, the man looked unclean, and angry.
She was angry too but when he picked her up (with a lot of trouble) she looked frightened, there were a couple of people near, young teens I think (13 y/o blond girl, and another preteen girl)...
When he tossed her over board I woke up with a start, it was very frightening, but I didn’t know anyone in the dream, nor have I ever been on a cruise, however it was very vivid and I can’t stop thinking about it…ugh!

...and for my Family.
Jaime (my uncle) passed away yesterday, in his ranch, alone, and was found by his wife (my Aunt) probably a few hours of this, they don’t know yet what happened but they suspect a heart attack.
The news came so sudden and unexpected.
It is a shame the future clients of his restaurant won’t get to meet him, he was an amazing person.
People say that every time someone dies, but it is true, and he left an little bit of himself in the heart of every person he met and every animal he cared for.
I love you uncle, and I’ll miss you always.

Weird things are happening in there, the lack of sleep and perhaps the medicine I’m taking for the migraines, or who knows…
I see things when they are not there and hear sounds…
I know they are not real but they still startle me, I can’t sleep at night because of the rushing of voices lots of murmuring voices…
Last night as we went out of the theatre I saw a man standing there by the door, it was clearly a person to me but when I tried to study him as I do to most people I see puff it vanished and I screamed, my sisters looked at me like a weird bug. I laughed they laughed…but I was still scared all the way home.

A nightmare inside a dream…
The dream was VERY pleasant, it was about making new friends and talking to people I admire from far only; I was getting all cozy and just loving the moment but then I started telling them a story and the story was in pictures just like the dream and I was in it…

I said…
During my high school years I was very shy, so much I was voted the class Oyster (that was true yet I said it in the dream)...I continued:
I wanted a job but was afraid to get one because I would have to interact with people, then when I was walking towards school one day and a car stopped beside me and the two men inside it said that their Boss wanted to hire me; all I had to do was dance in his private party, and guess what I said? I said OK I will be there…. (like I would say that being as shy as I was…but anyways)I didn’t think anything bad about it, just dance something were not “chat” was required was my thought.

I got there a beautiful pent house with a waterlily lake all around it and a terrace; there was a table but set up with chefs in a bud and a group of people in a out door living room.
They said I should go change to the dancing clothes and luckily for me there were more dancers there so I wasn’t alone, as if we knew how we did some stupid coordinated dance for the people, and “the boss” who was an oriental man.

We watched how he got up pointed at one people in the audience and signal two of his men to go over there… they escorted the man to the garden into the lily pad pond which was packed with lily pads and were strong enough to hold people, and then they shot him in the head, and let him fall between the lily pads.
The “Boss” made an announcement and said that anyone causing a commotion would have the same done to them…
Some people left, but the rest weren’t allowed to, they were forced to watch the performance, then they were shot one by one…
Every time some person would wonder by mistake in the “party” they were forced to stay and later shot.
I by now was panicking inside, I had short breaks where I went to talk to people and later tried to escape, I talked to the chefs and they showed me a menu which was the instructions of what they should make, at the end it said you will prepare this and then you will be destroyed when is over (not very wise if they wanted good food uh?).
I said I would go get help, they said go ahead please do, and one of them said he would tattle tell… HUM…
Anyhow, I escaped trough the empty building quite easily, I went as fast as I could and as quiet as I could, I crossed the road to where a team of beisbol were practicing and as they were leaving I stopped the coach and told him: this is going to sound to crazy to be true but you have to help me…while I said that a teen girl came to me and tried to catch me on fire, I screamed : DID you see her??? did you see that horrible girl???? and so he listen avidly to my story and then we both looked up at the Penthouse where at the edge of the building were the rest of the people lined up looking at me very scared, I had caused that, and then …then….
My plan was to storm the building with people so much it would be overpowering and give time to the police to get there (thinking ahead on how much Mexican police take)...

But when I saw the line of people about to be shot I knew there was no hope, there was not enough time to get anyone up there, there was just enough for them to get it done and escape.
I failed to get help I was the only one who knew who they were and for sure they would haunt me….
I woke up…
This was an afternoon nap…ugh!!!