I have been to France many, many times since I was a teenager. I was there a a young art student entranced by the galleries and the beauty of the quality of life to working as a professional at the Cannes Film Festival on the Riveria. I knew French almost as well as English and was more comfortable with French men than Americans for they are very romantic if not self-absorbed, vain, and egocentric. But, there was wine, and great food, great sex and always a lovely setting. Seduction, erotica and stolen kisses. What great memories, so what is the problem and what is the tip????

Tip 1: Ze French have zis leetle problem called “xenophobia” which means they hate you because you are not French so you can never really win. Despite their apparent joy at being liberated by the Americans from the despised Nazis they were fucking and supposedly resisting at the same time, and desite the fact that we couldn’t have won the American Revolution without hooking up with the French and despite the fact they sent us that lovely Lady Liberty statue, they really hate Americans the most.

Their snottiness got so bad that in the latter years when I worked in Cannes, I refused to even speak French with them. They pretend your French is atrocious and they can’t understand you. They mock the Quebeccers. They mock and mock so bad I thought we ought to take our little shovels and dig up our precious GI’s who gave their lives to liberate an ungrateful nation. But, I was abjured from this desecration of France because they had produced a wonderful composer named St. Sens. As, if that were some excuse.

Tip 2: Revenge and karma have come upon France from their ex-colonials – the North African Muslim! One third of France is Muslim and I am sure the French are really freaking out and they deserve it.

I have travelled alone on four continents and only twice was I nearly abducted. An Afghani diamond dealer in Tokyo tried to haul me off to the white chick trade and in Paris, a frigging Arab posed as an orthodox Jew inviting me over to his house for Shabbat. When we had to stop by my place so I could change into a skirt, he tried to get into my underpants. Lo and behold! He had a very uncircumcised hard on, and since my grandfather was a dick snipper from Russia, I knew very well this was not a kosher thing he was trying to poke me with.

I believe that I probably threatened him with castration and decaptiation for the deception and kicked his ass out. I am afraid that perhaps in this dim memory, I realize I might have been the cause of some more fuel for hatred between the Jews and the Arabs. But I am not sorry. If a man wants sex, he does not have to hide behind his momma. And if a girl has a preference for her sex partners, she should get what she wants.